and Your Little Dog, Too!
I have a serious problem with Scooby-Doo. And all his half-wit friends.
I know you think I must be twisted to hold a grudge against cartoon characters, but I do. My soul darkens with a special brand of loathing whenever I see or hear them.
Here's why:
- The complete lack of critical thinking. Put yourself in their shoes: if your last 2,176 cases culminated with you pulling a monster mask off the head of some toothless, spiteful old codger, why in the name of Christ on a pogo stick would you run in fear from the current toothless, spiteful old codger in a monster mask? I don't care if they have a mobile meth lab in the back of that van - If you can teach a dog to talk, you can recognize a simple pattern.
- On the note of pattern recognition, surely I am not the only person to notice that the villain is always the first person introduced by the friend who invited them to the haunted amusement park/ cursed motel / eeeevil factory. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! For just once, I'd like to see the celebrity guest be the criminal.
DICK CLARK IS THE EVIL GHOST BUNNY?!? WHY, DICK, WHY?
ratings... slipping... wanted to stay young... needed fresh souls....
Now that would be worthwhile programming. As it is, I'd say hit the first new non-celebrity you meet over the head with a steel pipe, search the guy's room for the secret entrance to the evil lair, find the kidnap victim/ stolen money & call it a day.
Speaking of cartoon dogs.... am I the only person who finds it weird that Goofy is a dog who owns property, wears clothes & eats dinner with his buddy Mickey Mouse - who just happens to have
another dog, Pluto, naked & chained to a shack out back where he is forced to subsist on a diet of scraps?
Exit, Stage Left - Part II
After having planned the
minute details of my suicide, I decided to focus my energies on my funeral. Unfortunately, I cannot decide between my final 2 ideas:
- To have my corpse wired with animatronics - you know, like those creepy ass talking puppets at Disney World. I figure I could be wired to sit up in my coffin right before the preacher finishes speaking. It would be nice to say some words on my own behalf. Perhaps I could be wired to point at the person implicated from my suicide plans and say "HIM..."
- Pinata Party! The way I look at it, there's never anything for the kids to do at funerals - and as anyone who's ever talked to a soccer mom for more than 5 minutes knows, it's all about the children. I'll have my body stuffed in a pinata(I might have my body dismembered for an easier fit - I'll experiment first), which will hang over my cemetary plot; once the kids break the pinata, I'll fall into my resting place as a mexican trumpet solo breaks out. Not a dry eye in the house.
My Biggest Pet Peeve
People who give a yes or no answer to a multiple choice question.
"Did you drive, fly or walk to your mom's house for the holidays?"
"yes."
What the hell are these people thinking? When they were in school, did they do this on their test? Because I can't imagine it passing then, and it sure as shit does not pass now.
Wow, long time no see!
Am I the only one who hates it when you bump into someone you haven't seen in years? I'm not talking about your former best-friends or anything, either; I'm talking about
acquaintances, like the guy who had the locker beside yours in your sophomore year of high school or that shady kid you used to work with 10 years back (you know, the one who tells you his 'humorous' breaking & entering anecdote right before he asks directions to your house for the party you didn't want him to know you were having).
You always see them first, too; at the mall or an outdoor concert, about 30 feet away. You can't help but to look at them for a lingering moment, "is that who I think it... SHIT!". Usually, this happens to be the time they
turn and look directly at you. No escape now, time for EXCITING SUPER-FUN SMALL TALK! You Take the lead:
"Hey!."(fake intensity)
"Hi."
"It's Been a while!"(if only it was a little while longer...)
"Yes, it has."
(insert introductions of other people in both groups here)
"Have you seen (insert mutual acquaintance here) lately?" (if I cared, I'd have seen them lately myself)
"Yes, Mutual Acquaintance is brief summary of mutual friends marital status, location of residence & employment"
-OR-
"No, not for a while, (response question about other mutual acquaintance)"
(Answer to their mutual acquaintance question)
Now comes the
endgame. The trick is to wrap up this little slow, painful death of a conversation without giving up:
- A phone number. You obviously don't really care to have this person back in your life, or else you would have kept in touch with them. Besides, do you really want to invite the chance of more conversations as excruciating as this one? The only upside is the small sliver of hope that they might just be asking to be polite- because, let's face it, they haven't really tried to track you down either.
- Your email. This is the kiss of death. Unlike a phone call, which takes them more time & requires more commitment, any jackass can put you in their address book. I mean, they're doing you a favor, right? Forwarding you all those funny lawyer jokes & inspirational messages? How could they in good conscience not let you in on a surefire way to GET RICH QUICK!!!
- A commitment to get together some time. This one isn't too bad, or in any way binding you to an actual future meeting with them- it's just hard for me, personally, not to grimace at myself while the lies slither off my tongue like snakes.
Then you say goodbye, part ways, and you silently kick yourself while making a mental note to move out-of state. And can you believe we actually look forward to our high school reunion?
Exit, Stage Left...
Good news: I've planned my suicide.
Don't worry - I'm not about to kill myself or anything; I just happen to like having contingency plans for whatever life may bring. Be prepared, I say.
Anyways, back to the plan. I'll leave a simple note - "goodbye, cruel world!" or something to that effect. The kicker is that I'll hold a key in the hand that wasn't busy, well,
killing myself. Naturally, the authorities will investigate the key. This key will lead them to a safe deposit box at a local bank, in which they'll find a videotape. This videotape will be of me, saying that if they found this tape I must be dead; and if I'm dead, a certain person is responsible, no matter how bad it may look.
I'm not going to ruin all the fun and say who I will frame, or when. Gotta have
some fun with it.
